Internally trying to figure out whats going on.... feelings are manifesting into things I have never felt before... a large feeling of rejection from so many people has me feeling what is wrong with me? I mean rejection from one person or family is one thing but lots throughout my life has lead me with the question of... what is WRONG with me? I am getting to the point that I want to reject myself... feelings of why am I here at all?? Im unnessesary and dont bring anything worth anything to anyone... or anything... my head hurts all the time... Im tired all the time... sure I can smile... but the pit of my stomach always hurts... my kids and husband deserve so much more then I am worth... instead of making people happy I am a bother... I wash dishes and clean laundry.... looking for a job that is non existant.. Free time... alone.. its all i got... everyone has thier own problems... and not time to hear my dumb complaints.. so here I sit complaining to a computer.. hoping it will help in some dumb way... I miss my grandma... she used to listen... maybe yell at me a little.. but she loved me.. always... I was her girl... now Im lost... nobody understands... I am home... always.... home .... alone... you want it??? you wanna stay home... you can have it... cuz it makes me ashamed, people treat me like I'm uninteligent... (maybe I am I dont know who I am anymore) This is my rant... ment for me... so I dont have to see rolling eyes or hear "your always complaining" this is how I feel everyday... all the time... my actual feelings... but now there are feelings that I have never had before... like maybe it would be better if I wasnt here... no, Im not stupid... i wouldnt do anything... I mean more like.. is this what my life is going to be like forever??? will I feel like this forever... so many meds I have taken... so many... now I need to figure it all out again... they never helped before... will they help now... another Psyciatrist... more dr's... I hate it here... rejection is everywhere...

What a week!!!!

Well, I will start off by saying my insomnia is in rare form this week !!! its causing me all sorts of problems and issues... Anxiety, grouchyness... groggyness... I feel like the days have been wasted.. and I just dont know what to do!?! I've been going to bed at 930... I've tried warm showers.... music, reading... a little TV... grrr!!!! Im just plain exhausted and I havn't even done anything!!!! My poor husband and kids have been graciously putting up with my crap this week.. although I usually dont sleep much... 2-3 hours is just not enough to function... my migrains are full force and my anxiety has gotten to the level of scarey!!!! this week...

The Begining....

So, here it is.. the beginning... been having a rough time lately.. and a good friend of mine suggested I try some blogging... use it like a journal she suggested... a little weary I am but I decided to give it a go... 2008-2009 seemed to be more valleys then hills.. the end of 2009 pretty much tragic.. well to me anyways... the loss of my Grandmother who helped raise me and make me the person I am today passed away. Along with that some very upsetting health news for some members of my husbands family followed... as well as some financial troubles and finishing it all up with yet another death... we were ready to close out 2009.

As I was just telling another friend of mine as we were discussing new years resolutions I have decided to try and work on love and peace for myself... I seem to have some growing issues with loving myself.. I thought about a resolution for losing weight and getting healthy.. but I know that will never come.. if I dont feel that Im worth it... so Im going to work on Liking myself first and hope all the other stuff will work itself out.

I miss my friends... The move here was very hard for me.. and I really dont think anyone understands that.. I think they think Im being selfish or silly... but emotionally it was very hard... I lost my friends... my other grandmother is there.. my house...

But so far.. we have made it... together... still intact... my boys are doing great here.. they love being near their cousins... they are doing great in school.. My husband is enjoying his job and being near his parents... unfortunately there is some bickering going on within the ranks of siblings for him.. but mostly its good... Im the only one who seems to be struggling.. So this year Im hoping for change... for myself... to join the ranks of life again.. smile a little more.. laugh a little more.. not care what people think so much... its hard.. but Im determined... so wish me luck friends... wish me luck!!!